We Interrupt This Regularly Scheduled Program

My Dearest Baby Girl,

I know that I am supposed to be writing about how I met your Da-T (“the Hubs”) right now, but I have decided to interrupt this regularly scheduled program, as the ol’ saying goes, by writing, instead, about my health last summer.  Frankly, for you and me, last summer wasn’t much fun.  It wasn’t carefree and fun like summer dreams are made of.  You and I both know it because we were both there.  I’m sorry.  I really am.  Looking back, I so wasn’t the mother that you needed me to be.  Having my ovaries removed in June of 2016 zapped me last summer in a significant way.  As my doctor indicated in August of last year, every one of my systems changed that summer –  my cardiovascular, circulatory, neurological, digestive, muscular, visual…every single one of them – because our hormones control every system in our bodies.  You saw the impact, and you were impacted, too.

Well, there are things that you didn’t see that summer.  You didn’t see me crying every day to Nana, Mimi, and close friends on the phone as I struggled.  You didn’t see me on my knees begging God to get me through that season in my life.  You didn’t see me yelling at God to do something.  You didn’t see the emails that I had with friends who encouraged and took care of us last summer.  You didn’t see everything.

So today, I want you to see some of what you didn’t see back then.  Last summer,  I had a long email stream going with the women in my neighborhood Bible study.  I wrote of my struggles and pain – not everything, of course – and they responded with overwhelming love, encouragement, and service.  These women prayed for me, prayed over me at our house (you remember that?), and truly showed me what it means to love our neighbors.  I learned a lot from these ladies as they embraced me.  I learned to share my story with them – to trust that they could handle the ugly truth with grace and understanding.  I learned to seek help from Godly women who wanted to help.  I learned to let others take care of us during our time of need.

I share these emails with you so that you can learn that it is OK to struggle; that it’s OK to seek help; that it’s OK to rely on family and friends who are worthy and deserving of your trust; that it’s OK.

Here they are.  They are raw and real, so prepare to see me in a different light.

I Love You Always, My Dear One,

Ma-Mee

 

The Surgery Saga:  Emails of Encouragement

These emails start in June of 2016 and end in August 0f 2016.  I have redacted names from these emails.  For brevity’s sake, I also included only a few of the encouraging email replies that I received during this time.  I am sure that I have not included all of the emails that I wrote, so I may be updating as I find other ones.

From: Me

Subject: Surgery Needed – Prayer Request

Date: Sat, 4 Jun 2016 04:36:03 -0500

Hi, Prayer Warriors,

In January of this year, I had an ovarian cyst that had me in the doctor’s office for pain. Well, about two weeks ago, I started having pain again. Yesterday afternoon, I went to the doctor for a sonogram, and I need to have my ovaries removed as soon as possible. I have cysts on both ovaries, and my doctor is concerned about something that he sees on the left side. He said that there is a 98% chance that there is nothing wrong, but he wants me to have surgery as soon as possible.

Surgery has not been scheduled yet because the appointment was on Friday afternoon after the surgery center was closed. My doctor does surgeries on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays.

In our house, we pray big. Please pray that God removes the pain, provides immediate healing, gives me peace, and provides a time soon for me to have this surgery. My baby girl gets home from Sky Ranch today, and I want to experience joy in my moments with her, instead of fear, worry, and pain. IOW, I really need to get it together. 😀

 

On Jun 5, 2016, at 10:30 AM, I wrote:

Thanks, <name redacted>, and everyone who has prayed and sent encouraging words.

I’m doing pretty well, as long as I don’t play mental gymnastics of what if.  I have started taking Tylenol for pain and a 1/2 of an anti-anxiety pill until the surgery.  Along with prayer and reflecting on God’s word, these things help my mind to stay in the present moment.

Please pray that the surgery gets scheduled this week.  I really want Thursday to be the day.  It is a robotic procedure, which makes it outpatient.   Amazing, eh?  Since I don’t have my uterus, I may have scar tissue, which could complicate matters a bit.  So, there’s a lot of to pray about here.

My baby girl knows about the surgery because she asked how my last day of school was after she returned from camp.  She is so like the Hubs – she doesn’t worry until there is something to worry about.  And in their minds, there is nothing to worry about yet.  There are times when I am very grateful for their steadfastness.

 

Subject: Re: Surgery Needed – Prayer Request

From: Me

Date: Mon, 6 Jun 2016 11:08:05 -0500

Thank you, friends, for continuing to pray. My surgery is scheduled for Friday at 10:30 a.m.  My doctor doesn’t usually do surgeries on Fridays, but that was the only time that the surgery center had available for the robotic room.  Apparently, that room gets booked quickly, and it is booked far out in advance.  So, my doctor is making an exception for me.  Yea! PTL (happy tears)

Please pray big for:

• A pain-free, relaxing week filled with present moments with family and friends free of worry and fear
• Minimal scar tissue from my uterus removal from years ago
• That the doctors see nothing on my ovaries when they are removed – that the ultimate physician has provided complete healing (pray big!)
• That the ultimate physician leads and guides the doctors and nurses to make sound decisions for me before, during, and after surgery
• That my pre-op appointment, which is Tuesday afternoon at 3 pm, doesn’t show anything of concern in the blood work, etc.
• That I have a faith that shows trust in the Lord, that my life is an example of walking by faith in joy, even in the hardships. Song for James 1:2-3 https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Tv3Wmn3ntqE
• That my family continues to be calm, that their steadfastness continues.

Thank you!  Thank you!

Deb

 

On Jun 9, 2016, at 9:35 AM, I wrote:

Thank you, <name redacted>, and everyone for praying.  I have felt your prayers.  For the most part, my pain is under control, and my anxiety comes in waves.  I manage the wave by chanting to God.  I’m not taking anything right now because I don’t need to, so I consider that a small victory.  (I would take meds if I needed them.)

If all goes well, my procedure will be 30 to 45 minutes, so I am hoping to be home late Friday afternoon.

Thank you for offering to bring meals.  I’m not sure if I will be hungry, and my baby girl is going to be with <name redacted> family for most of the weekend.  So, it will just be the Hubs and me.  I’ll let you know as soon as I can send email.

Thanks again for the prayers and encouraging words.

On a side note, I am very grateful for my doctor.  Please pray for him and everyone in the surgery room.  A couple years ago, my doctor was featured on WFAA for an incredible act of service.  He is very patient-oriented, as the story below indicates.   http://menofmind.com/miracle-ending-for-critically-ill-woman-denied-healthcare/

Deb

 

On Jun 10, 2016, at 10:43 AM, a friend wrote:

Hello Prayer Warriors,

Here is the update on Deb from her husband:

She is out of surgery.  Doctor says everything went great.  He is not concerned about any of the ovarian cysts.  They all look benign and he will be shocked if the pathology says otherwise.

God is Good!  I’ll check with her to see if she wants to have meals brought to her and let you guys know.

 

Subject: Re: Surgery Needed – Prayer Request

From: Me

Date: Fri, 10 Jun 2016 16:28:14 -0500

Thank you, everyone, for your prayers and encouraging words.  I don’t have many details, but the doctor was very pleased with how the cysts looked.  He will send them to pathology to get confirmation that they are benign.

On an embarrassing note, I kept telling my doctor, “I love you,” in the recovery room – over and over again.  He had to leave to get me to stop, I think.

We are home, which makes me ecstatic.

“Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

Deb

 

On Jun 14, 2016, at 6:35 PM, a friend wrote:

Hey Deb!

Just thought I’d check in & see how you’re feeling!  Hope you are recovering well & able to rest & recuperate.  Just wanted you to know I’m thinking about ya & praying you are doing well!

 

On Jun 16, 2016, at 9:55 AM, I wrote:

Thank you, <name redacted>, for praying and sending encouraging words.

It has been a slower recovery of my body than my mind wanted, but it has been good.  I had a small issue on Monday, so I rested more and it resolved quickly. I am finally starting to feel normal; but, I still can’t do things like laundry or cleaning (“No lifting or bending!”), so I feel like I just received a big ol’ bonus!

I do know more about daytime TV than I have ever wanted to know, so I am hoping that next week my body starts to catch up with my mind again.

Take care, and thanks for the prayers!

Deb

 

On Jul 9, 2016, at 3:02 PM, I wrote:

Hi, Everyone,

I wanted to give you an update since my surgery over a month ago.  Prayers are definitely needed.

Things started out pretty well, but this last month has been rough.  My surgical incisions got infected, so I took Keflex for that.  My blood pressure has been spiking, which is not uncommon after you hit menopause.  So, I am on blood pressure medicine for that.  (It’s still not under control, but it is a little better.)

I have had pain in my abdominal/pelvic area and chest area, so I have been in the ER twice for each one of those.  Blood work, abdominal area, and chest all look good, but it has been stressful.  I can’t even fathom taking another NSAID right now, and I’m just so over all the ER procedures.

Frankly, my emotions are all over the place right now.  I’m crying a lot, and I can’t take anti-depressants because they make me feel like I’m taking speed.

I can’t take hormones either, like estrogen, because I’m at higher risk of having a stroke if I take them.  I have a blood clotting disorder called Factor 2, so hormones aren’t an option.

I’m at a loss.  Please pray for me.  Please pray for my family, too.  They want and need me to be present, and I just haven’t been because I don’t feel good.

Thank you!

Deb

 

On Jul 9, 2016, at 8:00 PM, a friend wrote:

I just got an update from Deb… She asked that I let everyone know.

We are headed to the ER bc the blood pressure is so high.  The plan is to get checked into the hospital (Presbyterian Plano).

Please be praying for that she gets admitted and they can get some answers.

 

On Jul 10, 2016, at 10:54 AM, a friend wrote:

Okay I got some news from <name redacted>. She got home last night.  They were able to get her blood pressure down and sent her home with a different medication.  I’m assume Deb is resting.

Thank you for the prayers. Hopefully this medicine will woot better and she will get some relief.

 

On Jul 10, 2016, at 8:50 PM, I wrote:

If you guys are still offering, we would love to receive a few meals from you guys.  I never imagined that we would need support a month after surgery, but we need help.  The Hubs is basically taking care of the baby girl, and I am basically a bump on a log as I rest and figure out this menopause thing.  Having a few meals will ensure that the Hubs won’t have to cook.  (The love of my life is awesome – thank you, Lord!)

Thank you so much for your support and prayers.  We really appreciate them.

Deb

 

On Jul 23, 2016, at 11:42 AM, I wrote:

Hi, Everyone,

Thank you for praying for me.  I would love to tell you that these past two weeks have been amazing and I’m ready to throw a party to celebrate, but, unfortunately, that has not been the case.  This saga/season continues.

I don’t have any good answers, and I just feel ok.  I’m exhausted frankly, and that is hard to admit after I walked 20,000 steps every day as a PE aide this past year.

My blood pressure is under control (yea).  I have had a headache with vision issues.  My neurologist has given me IV fluids, muscle relaxers, and injections for the headache – it’s manageable.  I had a scan of the brain, and there is no evidence of stroke.

I’ve been to two different eye doctors in two weeks, and my eyes appear very healthy.  So, that sent me back to my neurologist, the third time in two weeks.  I have to have an MRV and MRI of the brain and neck.  Those tests are scheduled for this Tuesday at 1 pm. Depending on the results, I may have to have a spinal tap.  Sigh – it’s kind of hard to talk about without my heart starting to pound.

It’s not just the vision issues – it’s the type of issues that they are concerned about.  (Ex: eye pressure after I close my eyes and lie down; it resolves if I sit up and open my eyes).   I also see black spots and flashes of light, and I am sensitive to light.  If you see me out and about with sunglasses on, I’m trying to regain some normalcy by getting out in public again, but it’s hard.

I went to the cardiologist yesterday.  He has no concerns about my cardiovascular system, but he is going to do an echocardiogram just to make sure.  (He kind of looked at me like, “why are you here?”.)

The weekends and nights are the worst/hardest because I get anxious that my doctors’ offices aren’t  available and open.  My neurologist is recommending that I go to a psychiatrist to help while I get this figured out, which I am all for at this point.  I’m waiting for the referral on that one.

If you have prayed for me, brought a meal, or taken care of my child, please know that I am so, so grateful and so, so thankful that you are helping us.  I really, really, really appreciate it.  I have not forgotten all of your kind acts, concern, and encouraging words.

This is my go-to verse that is burned to my memory – “Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified.  Do not be discouraged.  For the Lord, your God, is with you wherever you go.”  Joshua 1:9

Hugs to you all!

Deb

 

On Jul 29, 2016, at 10:11 PM, I wrote:

Hi, women of God,

Here’s the latest from my MRI and MRV testing of the neck and brain.  If I understand the neurologist correctly, I have a disc in my neck that appears to be moving to the left.  The neurologist is going to do an EMG (nerve-to-muscle conductivity) test on Tuesday.  (Don’t google.  Worst-case scenario is scary, and I made the mistake of googling.  I never Google medical stuff for this very reason.  Sigh – “banish these thoughts and worry, my Lord.”).  I cried today – a lot.  I find crying to be calming, so I just go for it now.

I had an IV at the neurologist today with a lot of stuff in it, including a steroid.  (It was quite the cocktail made just for me.  It’s the only type of cocktail I’ve had this summer.). I’ve had IV’s over the last three weeks, but none with a steroid because it can skew the results on the scan, MRI, and MRV.  I am still having vision issues, which is probably one of my main concerns because I’ve never had them before.  The vision issues are not related to the disc in the neck, according to the nurse practitioner who did the IV.  Please pray boldly that the steroids heal the vision issues.  Please pray boldly for transformation and peace.

Today I was prescribed a sleeping pill that you take if you wake up in the middle of the night.  I haven’t been sleeping well at all because I wake up, freak out as I check to see if I am in pain, and then I’m up.   Last night, this is the verse I sang from memory in the middle of the night.  I learned the song last summer, but it was one that I didn’t really know it well.  It just popped Into my head, and I started singing.  “Psalm 33:20-22

20 We wait in hope for the Lord;

he is our help and our shield.

21 In him our hearts rejoice,

for we trust in his holy name.

22 May your unfailing love be with us, Lord,

even as we put our hope in you.”

Please pray that I sleep well tonight and throughout the week and that I have an anxiety-free weekend.  I plan to take Klonopin during the day until the appointment on Tuesday to see if my symptoms change when I take an anti-anxiety med.  Heck, I may take two – they are low dose.  (I’m working on finding a different anti-anxiety drug that I can take every day during the day and function well.  If you have recommendations and feel comfortable sharing, please send me an email or text.)

On a couple of positive notes, I went for a walk in the neighborhood tonight, and I received an encouraging word from <name redacted> who saw me walking.  She got to see my unshaven legs that I haven’t shaved in forever – seriously forever.  (Note to self – shave soon!  #Lifegoals).  If I walked by your house on my route, I prayed for you.  If you had a specific request, I prayed specifically.  If I didn’t know your request, I prayed something along the lines of, “God, rain your blessings on (name.)”

Then, I went for a 20-minute swim (head above water) tonight for the first time this summer.  (Swimming is my fave!) Baby steps!  I cried, of course.  Next step – shave legs!

May you all have a great weekend, and thanks for your prayers, encouraging words, and kind gestures.

Signed –

Your long-winded friend who may write a book after this is all over (j/k about the book, not the wind)

Deb

 

On Jul 30, 2016, at 6:54 AM, a friend wrote wrote:

Sweet Deb…like <name redacted> said, I love your emails. Give you such credit for being so open and transparent and love that you feel safe sharing with the group…it helps us know how to pray specifically for you. I was happy to see you out walking last night-legs shaved or unshaved ;). #shavingisoverrated

Praying for you daily friend! Keep clinging to all His promises -just like you’re doing!

 

Subject: Re: Latest on My Surgery – Prayer Request

From: Me

Date: Sat, 30 Jul 2016 09:27:49 -0500

Thanks, you guys, for the encouraging words.  Unfortunately, last night was a major fail.  I didn’t sleep a wink because the sleeping pill was a tricyclic antidepressant, and I don’t do well on antidepressants.  Its off-label usage is for insomnia. The nurse practitioner gave me samples, and I took the pill without reading all the fine print.  (I read a lot of it, but I missed those important words.)  Needless to say, I felt like I was on speed, and I was nauseated the entire night.  I paced the floor for hours.  I couldn’t even cry to make it all better.

Apparently, other users have experienced the same symptoms, according to the Internet.  Sigh

I have walked the neighborhood and already swam this morning.  I plan to take a Klonopin now and try to go to sleep.

Thanks for your prayers.

 

On Aug 2, 2016, at 4:55 PM, I wrote:

Thank you, everyone, for all that you have done for us.  I am so appreciative, and I even shaved my legs to prove it just in case you come in contact with me.  #poorAmanda #nooneshouldseethat #debhasnicemanlegs

After my last email, I started to take small steps to regain my physical strength and mental health.  I was scared that I was literally physically wasting away, especially after the neurologist said I needed an EMG, and I was starting to wonder if I could regain my physical strength.  I walked in the neighborhood a lot, and I swam twice a day in most cases.  On Sunday morning, I walked, swam, went to the grocery store by myself, and then went to church, where I cried during the worship music.  (Good thing it was dark because it was serious ugly crying!). I walked again and again.

Monday was really hard because my EMG was today at 11:30. Yesterday, I walked, swam, paced, and frankly, let anxiety consume me.  My highlight of my day was talking to good friends, including several on this thread.  (Thank you!). Last night after dinner, I read, “Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God.”  (Philippians 4:6)  I’ve read that verse lots of times, but I have dropped the ball with this one.  The words, “with thanksgiving,” were getting lost in the swirl and chaos of my anxiety, so I decided to do a little experiment.  I got out my journal and started to write “Dear God, thank you for…” letters.  I just let it flow, and the symptoms of my anxiety started to go away.  I then went and did a little dance to some Pentatonix tunes, and then I broke out the karaoke machine! (The baby girl:  “Mom, no!”.  Lol – I’m good at embarrassing her.  Everyone needs a talent.  😀) The symptoms of my anxiety continued to improve.

And, the anxiety returned Tuesday with a vengeance before the procedure.  I did my routine (walk, swim, etc), and I went to the neurologist to have the EMG done today at 11:30.  The EMG is a nerve-to-muscle conductivity test where the neurologist shocks the impacted limbs all over, one shock at a time,  and then sticks needles in the limbs, one needle at a time.  (She did my arms and my neck, too.)  The EMG is used to diagnose some pretty major things, and I allowed the enemy ($&@?!”!!!!) to destroy my joy by focusing on the unknown worst-case scenario.  (I’m embarrassed to admit it, but it’s true.)  My EMG indicated that my nerves and muscles of my neck and arms are working normally, even though they could see muscle spasms and twitches on the MRI.  (Weird, huh?)

So, as it stands today, it looks like I have a bad case of menopause and anxiety.  I am having some lower back pain, too, and the neurologist could trigger significant “jump through the roof” pain by pressing on the SI joint, which attaches the hip to the spine.  I’m God’s continuous work in progress, but the neurologist assured me that this lower back issue can be easily handled.

I have decided not to return to my job as a PE aide in Frisco ISD for this year.  This breaks my heart greatly because I love my kids so much, and I really love being a PE aide.  (I cried.) I need to continue to build physical strength, and I will probably end up in physical therapy at some point, even as I take the time to determine how to manage the menopause and anxiety. After I regain my strength, I will probably sub in Frisco ISD again as I continue to seek God’s plan for my life.

Thank you for being on this journey with me.  (Any Bachelorette fans out there?  JoJo and what’s his name!  Sorry!  I just had to.  I’ll walk myself out now.).  With you, I look forward to reclaiming my life as a transformed child of God.  I am so grateful that in my imperfection, God has deepened my relationships with some very special ladies – you guys!

I’m grateful for you all! And, if I could hug each of you right now, I would.

#shouldIshareaselfieofmyshavedlegs #toomuch

Deb

 

On Aug 21, 2016, at 4:04 PM, I wrote:

Hi, Everyone,

I’ll keep this brief.  After making some small strides of improvement over the last two weeks, I have had raging acid reflux these last few days, and I don’t feel good at all.  It has really knocked me down.

I go to the GI doctor tomorrow.  Please pray for healing, protection, comfort, and peace.  I can’t do anything comfortably right now.  (Tears – serious tears)

Deb

 

On Aug 30, 2016, at 2:27 PM, I wrote:

Thank you, <name redacted>.  I appreciate the continued prayers and encouraging words from all of you.

I am having more “better” days than bad days – where it’s not as good as it was before my surgery in June, but it is still better than the last two months.  I’m having more positive moments every day, and I am able to focus more/better on the tasks and people that I love, including you guys.

The acid reflux is improving, although it isn’t completely gone yet.  The GI doc was ok with me treating it as I see fit because I have had an endoscopy and a colonoscopy within the last year, and they both came back clean.  So, I got his approval and the approval from all my other docs to take a product called Heartburn Free, which has really worked for me in the past when I took zero medications.  (My appetite has improved, too.)

Last week, I saw a doctor, a D.O., who specializes in integrative medicine (Western and Eastern medicine).  My counselor recommended this doctor.  This doc spent over two hours with me – looking at my medical records from various doctors, examining me, and discussing what is going on.  It was a very positive experience, and I go back to her in two weeks.  She has been in practice a long time, and she told me things about myself that other doctors didn’t communicate or didn’t know/understand, even though the info is in my medical records.

Thanks again for the encouragement and prayers.

Deb